A Frank Guide to the USA

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A definitive guide to a few things you may notice on your trip to the USA, some of them you may find interesting, useful (most likely not) and mildly amusing. Bear in mind all of these points relate purely to the state of Florida, so to be honest this list is quite shallow and unthoughtful as the points are being used to generalise the rest of the 3,794,101 square miles of the US (obviously wikipedia’d that). But by this point I’m pretty certain you’re past caring.

1. A lot of things generally don’t make a lot of sense. You’ll find yourself repeating the phrase “that’s stupid” more times then you’ll play “spot the guy under 200lbs” at Wal-Mart. I’ll make a sub-list.

  • Speed Limit Signs. Instead of a clearly visible red circle with a number in the middle they need a large white sign saying SPEED LIMIT underneath the number in baffling thin black letters. Huge common sense fail.
  • Road signs rarely tell you where you’re going until you’re actually at the junction. Usually you don’t mind until you realise you’re in the wrong lane when its always too late. Cue frustration.
  • Sales tax. When something is advertised for $5 you expect to pay $5 right? Don’t be so stupid, you’re a moron and this assumption instantly makes you a massive bellend. You pay $5.35.
  • You have to wear a seat-belt by law but it’s alright to sit in the back of a pickup truck unprotected.

I could honestly continue this list but I don’t want to keep you reading all week.

2. Facial hair is in abundance. For some reason the people of the USA think its fashionable to sport a big bushy mustache complete with a potbelly and trucker hat. Ignorance is also in abundance apparently, as evidently they’re unaware that in 2012 that image makes you look like the village pedophile.

3. You’ll most likely hate 90% of American television. If you don’t enjoy watching reality shows featuring rich, talent-less, attention seeking women with half of the programme watching adverts about the newest innovation in vehicular design or the latest steakhouse to put on an extra 5 stone, then you may be out of luck. What a shame. Although if the masterpiece that is “Kourtney an Kim take New York” doesn’t tickle your ever-so-curious fancy then please do not lose any sleep, I’m sure you’ll find a reality show featuring any other uninteresting subject you can think of. My favourites include “Storage Wars”, “Bayou Billionaires”, “Ink Master” and “The Next Great Baker”.

4. When you buy something the person selling it to you will most likely be EXTREMELY friendly. When you walk through the door you may even occasionally be greeted with “Hello there!” before you’ve even thought about buying anything. You could just be going to use their toilet but they still act like it was love at first sight the moment they laid eyes on you. Compare this to the horrifically rude unhelpful cretins that populate most of our shops in Britain purely to fuel their cocaine addiction whilst feeding their gremlin-like devil children they had with their cousin(perhaps exaggerated). You’d be forgiven though for thinking American bundles of sales-assistant joy constantly have the heavens radiating from they’re shiny posteriors.

5. Going back to television, they censor absolutely everything apart from occasionally the word “Shit” and even the word “Ass”, but they then bleep the word “hole”. Don’t even think about nudity. They even blur out a little bit of arse crack.

6. And contrary to popular belief, everything is actually much bigger. This includes people, meals, cars, parking spaces, houses, egos and people. Everything’s massive. You’ll see 16 inch pizzas in the supermarket, the pre-dinner snack for the 500lb land mammals who’ll then waddle to the local eatery to gorge on 30 hot wings before they tuck into their entrée.

So there you go a few more-than-handy tips to help you on your way to living the American dream. I don’t know what that means neither.

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About breakingbrad

SHU Radio manager and broadcaster.

Posted on February 5, 2012, in Humor, Travel. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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