Category Archives: Movies

Closing Ceremony? Great! What Else is On?

Hey whoah the Olympics is over. We can now resume our normal tele watching routines.

What’s that? There’s nothing good on tele in Britain? Oh what an almighty shame. Because if you travel to the US there’s always something on the box, and by something I mean repetitive reality TV. Its the golden chalice of entertainment. It’s the peaches to my cream. It’s so good it’ll make you want to take off your trousers and helicopter.

My potentially obvious sarcasm stems from an advertisement for a brand new reality television show I saw advertised recently. It’s called ‘Tanked’ and features a couple of middle aged blokes making fish tanks for rich people.
After watching this commercial I travelled to the local fishing lake and caught myself a 5lb catfish. I then drove to the nearest pet shop and repeatedly threw said catfish at the stores biggest, most extravagant fish tank, causing deafening vibrations to the clearly petrified creatures inside, and making the tank look like a disgusting bloody mess. I proceeded in savagely eating the dismembered catfish raw in front of the shops horrified visiting children and their parents.

I wonder where the days went when reality TV actually had an interesting draw. Something attractive about the show that set it apart from the other dribble we witness everyday. Of course gems such as ‘The Amazing Race’, ‘Survivor’ and ‘The Apprentice’ are still around, but these programmes are now feeling a little dated as the years have gone by, and are drown out by poisons that are ‘Orange County Housewives’, ‘Jersey Housewives’, ‘Housewives of Atlanta’ and ‘The Real Housewives of Baghdad’. The only shining light I’ve seen recently is TNTs new series ‘The Great Escape’ – a show where three teams of two must escape from famous facilities or locations of the world. Although the illusion is somewhat lost when contestants are caught by guards and must start from the beginning, as by this point it starts to feel more like an elaborate game of hide and seek with puzzles that have a difficulty level of nursery at best.

However, I can still find solace in my true love that is Hell’s Kitchen which is nearing its climax. There’s something strangely relaxing about watching Gordon Ramsey belittle and embarrass bungling chefs while they argue with each other about whose less crap at cooking.

I think I’m just happy I don’t have to watch Waterpolo on NBC anymore. I was getting horribly fed up of hearing about the Olympics and I’m glad they’re over. Oh, the Paralympics starts in a couple of weeks?

Taken Should Not be a Good Film.

Taken 2 Poster

Upon hearing the well documented news that there is to be a sequel to the 2008 action flick ‘Taken’, I feel this is the perfect time to express my opinion on the semi – heroic death machine that is Bryan Mills and his quite stunning ability to dodge the police or in-fact any form of consequence for his downright disgusting treatment of the Albanian mafia.

The film features a retired CIA field operative that might as well have been given 96 hours to hunt Osama Bin Laden based on his ability to find entirely anonymous kidnappers purely from them uttering two words on a mobile phone. But not only does this man not miss a shot, he also has the uncanny ability to board commercial airlines back to the USA after practically diminishing the Albanian population and scaring Paris sh*tless.

People shouldn’t remember a movie with such cliche’d action sequences and plot about as complicated as a new episode of Mickey Mouse’s Clubhouse, but they do, and this may be the reason it’s so popular. People enjoy watching the screen like stale vegetables gazing at an ageing man with a seemingly endless arsenal of cool one-liners. There is no thought or effort in this. Just shiny explosions and middle eastern bad guys getting shot by a man who also happens to be Zeus and that bloke from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (the crap one).

Mills hunting those ever problematic Albanians. Is that racist?

However, after all the obvious flaws with this film I can’t help but be excited for the sequel. When I heard they had plans for a “Taken 2” I was dreading a story similar to what the Hangover did, basically take the same film and put it in a different country without adding to the formula at all because “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”. But the trailer has actually given us a reason to want more from the Neesonater, and to see what those pesky Albanians are up to this time. It’s also made me curious to see what his seemingly useless daughter will add to Brian “Rambo” Mills ploy, and also whether she’s still a virgin or not. These questions need answering.

Slightly off topic but I can’t help but wonder that if put to the task, would he be able to find this guy?

Just a thought.