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Diary of a Disgruntled Flyer

I wonder if anyone actually enjoys flying.

I would like to meet that person. Perhaps take them on a date and get to know them better. They must be truly remarkable.

Upon suffering multiple long distance flights in a short space of time I’ve discovered flying does not get the slightest bit more enjoyable despite the impressive array of playing cards and paperback novels you’ve brought with you.

As for in-flight entertainment frankly I’d rather catch up on The Teletubbies than the latest romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey and another robotic one-dimensional “actor”. And even if it is a film you were looking forward to it’ll be instantly underwhelmed by the 8 inch fuzzy, discoloured screen positioned uncomfortably close to your face because the gentleman in the seat in front decided to put his chair so far back he might as well have just rested his head in your lap listening to whale noises while you cradle him to sleep.

Children screaming and kicking chairs while you eat your chicken pasta which you masterfully chose instead of the roast cardboard and vegetables. But suddenly your beaming smile and new found sense of self appreciation for making the right choice crash lands when you notice your 5 star cuisine looks suspiciously like the child’s vomit sat in the row next to you. And probably tastes like it too.

I can’t help but feel excitement though when the lady with the cart comes over to feed us like cattle and pass us little boxes like there’s a spellbinding surprise inside that we can’t wait to unwrap like a child with an early christmas present. This atmosphere of anticipation is soon replaced with disappointment and humiliation as we all try so desperately to utilise the 4 inches of space we have to try and butter the┬áminuscule piece of wholewheat bread like elephant seals packed into shoe-boxes. Cursing our gullible naivety because the butter is still frozen and we’ve already destroyed the last┬ámorsel of food we’re rationed until landing.

But I suppose the satisfaction of landing makes the journey more worthwhile. The noise of the wheels crashing against the runway being greeted by applause marks the end of a horrific ordeal like a woman giving birth or the end of the Academy Awards.

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